Some jokes to brighten your day

They may be old, but they're still pretty funny.

**********

Two peanuts walk into a bar

One was a salted.

**********

A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

**********

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:

"A beer please, and one for the road."

**********

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

**********

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.

The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

**********

Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

**********

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

**********

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly

"I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," said Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!"

**********

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, "I've lost my electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

**********

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

**********

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high'.

**********

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

He was pulled in by a strong currant.

**********

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh

**********

Two fish are in a tank

One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"